Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
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I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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