She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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