Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
