I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
