The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
