I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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