True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
