I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
