I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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