I faked an abortion last night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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