I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
