Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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