God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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