this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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