And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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