Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
