guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
