My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Drake has all the answers
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
