One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Please don't give away my fajitas
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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