rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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