can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
