just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
