My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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