I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
