Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
