Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
