I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
