better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
