I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
