I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you never un-have a 4some
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
