im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
