Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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