I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
