Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
