Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
