It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
