I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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