had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
