i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
