dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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