i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
