Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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