i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
