So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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