i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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