here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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