my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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