Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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