I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
