I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
