If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
