Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
only you would photoshop your dick
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
