I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
