the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
