also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
