just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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