I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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