So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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