I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
